Empty head in an empty body

Omg, I love this bitch. Snooki is awesome. <3

 English 'cause I had this in my head in English. Simple as that.  Bullshit, I had nothing in my head but EMPTYEMPTYEMPTINESS.

Yeah so, I think I'm doing better. Got some good news today. Gonna weigh-in tomorrow, the thought is scary as hell. Someone kill me. If it's anything above 65kg, I'm gonna binge. Fuck it, I'll binge anyway. Already bought my food too. I think I'm crazy but it really helps, at least for that little moment. I wish it didn't make me so fat, so unbelievably fat. Yeah, maybe I'm not OBESE but for fuck's sake, can't you see all this fat? And could somebody please explain me why no one wants me if it's not because I'm fat? Thought so.

I actually made the mistake of putting shorts on today. Really short ones since they're high-waist (my stomach is huge) and yeah, my thighs just.. wobbled. It was horrible, I don't remember the last I felt so anxious. No wonder nobody thinks I'm attractive.

It's okay to have thighs. Two of them. But only if there's a gap in between. Other people can have thighs without a gap. I'm not allowed. I need to have one as soon as possible.

I wish they could just like me for me. Who is this me? I don't even know anymore. But I just want them to like me. I can't stand the fact I'm so hated. I. Fucking. Hate. It. The only question I mostly have is why.

Why am I so lonely, why don't I have that one person?

Why am I so ugly, why don't I even have a jawline? 

Why do I have the ugliest breasts in the whole world?

Why can't I just be skinny, why can't I just stop binging?

Why can't I just be beautiful?

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ENOUGH?

I try to feel happy for my friends that are seeing someone. It's not working. No matter how hard I try. I just have this picture in my head that goes on and on and on, repeating. It has a park street, surrounded by trees and bushes. Then there's me and a person with no face. I'm very skinny in it and can't recognize myself - the person I am with is just a random gay fucker. I look happy, the random gay fucker looks happy too. We run around holding hands, laughing, happy. We seem to really like each other. It's a chilly autumn day and I'm sure I've been to that place before. Just can't tell what place it is.

There are two significant things in this world to me. The first one is to become very skinny one day. Or at least to become not fat. The second thing is to have someone that loves me and calls me beautiful and pretty and stuff like that. I want to hear those beautiful lies so bad. It would have to be someone that wants me as bad as I want them. Or at least wants me. Likes me. No one ever likes me. Someone that I can spend time with and feel worth of something. I'm pretty tired of feeling worthless, only have felt like that for my whole life.

This is so scary. I mean I love King and all but this is just the reason I kind of hate him too. For making me feel afraid for no reason.

Okay, fuck it. I lied. I'm not getting better, I'm just getting more lonely. And more insane.

It hurts to hear other people are happy with their crushes.

I think it hurts even more to be filled with jealousy because of it.

I should be glad they've found someone.

I never really had anyone.