And everywhere I go there's fucking monsters inside me

Random gif, but gosh those girls are like.. perfect. Like all go-go girls always are.

 Okay, first off - this one just needs to be in English. I can't get it out in any other way. Trust me, I did try. Some feelings just cannot be described in my native language - only because there are no words. Not a single one.

I feel so extremely tired. Yes, a part of it could be the cause of not sleeping. But most of it is because I'm fed up with everything and almost everyone, for no specific reason. I'm fed up with me and my useless life. And the way things are going.
The way I treat other people, the way they act towards me. It's like I'm nobody, someone they can just blame for everything and throw away when I start getting too frustrating. I shouldn't be too hard on them for that though, I do it too, blame everything on myself that is. Throw myself away.

I don't respect myself a single bit. Therefore I shouldn't expect that from anyone else, I do not deserve for them to think anything positive of me. They never will anyway - even my own mom hates me. Everybody hates me, no idea of the whole reason. I do have some pieces of the puzzle gathered but nothing full.
Yes, I constantly tell everybody how I want to be alone. Yes, I also get moody all the time and want to run away from I don't even know what. Yes, I pick on myself, I only see my flaws. And guess what? The list goes on. Please, please don't leave me alone. Please, try to be there for me. I know it's hard and I hate myself for asking something like that but I beg you to be there. All of you. Or maybe just leave me alone after all, I don't deserve anyone's caring.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Emptiness is there, all the time and wherever I may go. I do feel happy, I do feel sad, angry, scared, anxious. Never proud or safe though. But the emptiness surrounds me, it's always around. Like a hawk in the sky looking for a prey, a mouse to catch and kill. And in the end to eat and destroy.

I'm that mouse.

I feel ashamed for the stuff that I think. I have to make a confession - and this is not a light one. But I've started noticing it in myself anyway. I don't even want to be happy, I don't want to try anymore. I don't have energy, not the zest of life, not the happiness, not the love, not what's needed. Why try if I'll never make it to 30 anyway? Why not just destroy my life with alcohol, drugs and whatever - to have fun for at least some time? Then again, that's just an illusion of happiness I create for myself. It's not like I seriously think those things cause real happiness that lasts for a lifetime.

Why even try if I'm only going to fail anyway? I'll always be the fat girl, the one that stands on the sideline because she doesn't know how to do anything right. Because she doesn't have the courage to even try. That's why I always fail in love too. Because I'm afraid to try, to fail, to succeed. To sleep, to eat, to relax, to stay home and refuse to go out because I'm just so tired; afraid to buy people gifts because I know they'll hate them anyway; afraid to talk to people because they'll only get mad at me since I don't know the right words to stay. Afraid I'll infect everyone around me with the dirt inside of me. Afraid I'll just hurt every single one of my friends, my loved ones.  I AM SO AFRAID THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.

I just want to be beautiful, perfect, even just for one day. I want to know how it feels to be absolutely flawless. It's said that your flaws are what make you who you are. That's stupid, to be honest. Or maybe it makes sense, no wonder no one is able to love me - I'm full of flaws and there is nothing positive in my personality nor the way I look like. Why is everybody else so much better and prettier and skinnier and everything? Everyone else.

I guess I'll never be good enough. I try my best to be as nice as possible

towards everyone around me. And still they just show hatred.

Why do they hate me? Why does she hate me so much?

Why do I hate myself and feel like a failure?

All the fucking time.

Ps. Falling in love with old brokeNCYDE again, I remember listening to these songs. Good (fucked up) old times. The lyrics just.. fit so perfectly it's almost scary.